Discarded

Life is so busy. So much to do. So much to accomplish.
2/3 of my life probably already spent.
Bucket lists pending. Projects pending. Things piling up.
And friendships... some come and go; others remain... despite and inspite...

Kind of like 'things'... when you go through a box and decide what is still valuable and useful and set them aside for another time. Or look at something you have had for decades and realize you must let go.... give them away... send to be recycled...

As I plod through my house and discard 'things' that no longer mean the same to me... I ponder friendships that seem to be in this same category. I have nearly 55 years of friendships. Some are long forgotten, others filter back during significant moments like Conner's funeral or a Walk to Emmaus or a chance meeting in the grocery aisle where you struggle to remember a name that once was all too familiar.

Others endure. The struggles you've shared are deep; the bond tight; the spirit kindred. Or so you thought. More often than not lately, time seems to be fading the feelings; breaking the bond; rupturing the kindred part... and I no longer have a value in their lives. I don't understand. I meet new people all the time. Some say "what a great lady you are" but I wonder if they will feel the same after time has passed and I have said something that makes them uncomfortable.

I struggle with this now. I wonder who really considers me a forever friend. Who even thinks I have value inspite and despite... Who grew tired of my rigid boundaries and only think of me as an analyzer of their souls. Who dropped me because I can be a challenge. Who removed me from the 'competent' list. How many would want to come to my funeral? What would they say? "She meant well." But you don't have to go to a funeral to say that, do you? It is time away from their busy lives... would it be worth it?

And I wonder if that is sometimes the reason I have had trouble discarding the 'things' that have memory for me. I didn't want to be frivolous in my attachments. They are connections to 55 years. To discard without consideration may remove value. That's why it is so different, and a bit unsettling, this time as I muck out my home. I am not having trouble discarding things. I am not hanging on to the old like I used to, it seems. And I wonder why. Is discarding becoming easier because I have placed a few layers of insulation around my heart now so I am less affected?

I feel pretty safe posting this because few people even come on here. It is like a diary where I only seem to have the key. I weep for what is lost. For the distance I feel with people who I thought were close but who hold me at arm's length now, sometimes for reasons I don't understand and they didn't bother to explain. For Devon, Ona, countless youth who have crossed my path in youth group, relatives...like Nancy and Vicky, people from WTE. And at times I feel recycled. Shoved into a box of discardables... sent off for someone else to deal with, categorize, and discard again.

I will remember this feeling because I will often work with discarded people. I know God doesn't consider any of us junk. I now know Ron is my faithful friend and that is comforting. I see the bridge He has made for me with my daughters in law... and I am so grateful. I get glimpses of ties that are reconnected after many years... like lunch with Melissa M/B. There are a handful of people I know I can count on... like Shannon. But I doubt that I have made much of a difference in people's lives after 55 years. In fact, I wonder if I have been a detriment instead. I ponder that and ask God to refine me and humble me and give me perspective.

Let me be a blessing during the years I have left on this earth, but let me not compromise You, Lord. Give me courage and wisdom. And perspective. May I act in obedience to You and not bring Glory to myself. Help me to recognize the 'discarded' ones and meet them where they are. Thank you for considering me valuable enough not to place me in a box and pass me along to someone else. Thank you for dying for me.

I desire to be a faithful servant of You and those you call into my life. A faithful wife, mom, grandmom, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, and friend. But most of all a servant of You, the Most High God... the One who allowed Himself to be discarded for me.

With a grateful heart, Linda

Six wonderful pieces of my life

I am incredibly blessed with a wonderful family. I love them dearly. Through struggles and challenges we have worked through issues, found understanding, and learned about each other. I am incredibly blessed to be a wife, mom, mom in law, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, AND Grandma to six miracles in my life...

Sam
Isaiah
Nalia
Leni
Adah'Jane
Ellie

What a privilege... What a joy... What FUN!
I am so blessed... Thank you, Precious Lord

So... I love grace...

Especially when it is given even though I don't deserve it...
...so unexpectedly sweet...

Especially coming from someone who did not have to show it... but she did...
... and I am grateful...

She has taught me a new lesson about forgiveness...
She has learned a lot in the past year...
I am glad to call her family...

Yes... I really love grace...
God is good

dot dot dot

Challenges of Life

I have a few...
School
Housekeeping
My weight
Finding time for family and friends
Keeping youth group 'fresh'
Building leadership skills and leaders
... and spending time with Jesus.

So, I just count my blessings... praise Jesus for the opportunities... bless Him for my sweet hunny, Ron... and head back into the game.

I know He is with me in all of it. Glad for it, too.

Humility...

... How many times to I have to eat gravel to get it?

Guess I will keep trying...

In the meantime, anyone got a wet rag for my bloody nose?

Thank you, Jesus, for picking me up once again and cleaning off my wounds.

Ouch, Linda

new granddaughter!

Adah'Jane Pearl Wagar
is here...
Another blessing in our lives!

Romans 12

v. 16-18
Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the eyes of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.

ok... I will try...
thanks for the reminder, Jesus.